Nobody embarks on parenthood thinking “my kid is going to become an addict.” To the contrary, when my husband and I decided to have children, we thought we’d be dealing them a pretty decent gene pool since addiction had not been an issue in our immediate families of origin. We also assumed that as good role models and caring, involved parents, our offspring wouldn’t have trouble with substances, especially since he and I never touched illegal drugs, and are very moderate consumers of alcohol.
But since our daughter died of an overdose in 2009, I am staggered by the number of colleagues, friends, and strangers who have confided in me about their family’s horrific experience with substances. The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University cites Adolescent Substance Abuse as America’s #1 public health problem. Any family could be hit next. Education does not guarantee immunity: Amy was a junior in the nursing program at Boston College when she voluntarily entered treatment.
Cell phone use and texting were one of the more painful themes in my daughter’s story. Like many parents, after the September 11, 2001attacks we wanted her to have a cell phone in the event of emergency. She was in seventh grade at the time. But battles over cell phone use persisted until the day before she died; my muscle memory still tenses every time the Verizon bill arrives. At least I can smile when I walk into the department store when I first texted her with “Wassup?” which evoked affectionate laughter.
My daughter texted about drugs during her six years of progressive use but was always steps ahead of our ability to keep up. Monitoring software was not available then; we’d confiscate the phone when we were suspicious only to read messages that were sometimes weeks old, so we were always behind the curve. Indeed, Dr. John Knight, who directs the Center for Adolescent Substance Abuse Research at Boston Children’s Hospital, notes that kids are clever, it’s part of their survival to mask substance use, and it’s not uncommon for two and a half years to elapse from the start of experimentation until parents are aware that something is going on. Knowing what your kids are texting could provide vital early warnings.
Keeping your kids safe while letting them grow and become independent is an increasingly tough job. And while I am neither a professional nor researcher in this area, from my experience I’d say to make sure your child understands that YOU own the phone, and they have no right to absolute privacy. Your job is to help keep your kids safe while teaching them how to keep themselves safe. You need to choose to what extent you monitor your children’s communications and online activities. Fortunately, better tools are increasingly available today; I wish they had been around a few years ago. They may not have made a difference in my daughter’s outcome, but if you think they might help your parenting, what do you have to lose? Better safe than sorrow.
Melissa Weiksnar is the author of Heroin’s Puppet –Amy (and her disease) http://www.amelibro.com/heroinspuppet/